Accidental Makeovers Read online

  “I don’t think you have to worry about Rob with the women, but the guitar solos are going to be lacking if he keeps double fisting it with the booze.”

  She finally sees that Rob has a glass of beer in both hands and he’s yelling, and talking much faster than usual.

  “Good call. After all, it is all about the music.”

  She winks and her false eyelash gets a little stuck. I smile as she walks away, prying her huge eyeball open with one hand, and grabbing one of Rob’s beers with the other.

  “Hey, Max. I’m Jasmine. I’ve seen the demo tapes. You’re an amazing drummer. Did you study formally? Or are you self-taught?”

  I had expected a pick-up line, but this chick is genuinely interested in my musical talents. That’s refreshing. And she’s also not the least bit drunk.

  I did hear that she was a true professional, and she rules her band with an iron fist.

  We take a couple of seats off in a corner, away from all of the yelling and insanity. The tour manager, Adele, looks a little pissed but I’m sure she’ll end this party soon, and get everyone sober before the gig.

  Jasmine is wearing tight jeans and a Hole t-shirt.

  Hole, the girl band formed in the nineties by Courtney Love. Makes sense, but as Jasmine and I get acquainted I can see that she and her idol don’t share the same level of instability, or substance use.

  No, this woman is hot, smart and ambitious.

  As I watch her throw back her long, copper hair, I think of another redhead who fits that bill, but needs to be pushed out of my mind.

  Diamond is giving me the thumbs up from across the room, as she takes away Rob’s remaining beer.

  She helped me a lot in my quest to get Bianca back, and I appreciate that, but now that Bianca has rejected me again, she’s changed her tune.

  I hate to take relationship advice from the panty bandit, but luckily yet another ginger-haired woman’s voice is in my head.

  If a sweet, sweater-kitting woman has given me permission to indulge on the road, how can I argue?

  Bianca

  “I’m glad to see Tatiana is working out.”

  “Yeah, she’s much better. Dresses properly. Her English has improved. Still great with the kids. My mother keeps a close eye on her, but ever since her fall she’s been a little less…intense.”

  I laugh at the memory of that scene. Even though someone could have really gotten hurt. Claire’s kitchen floor had to be mopped five times to get up all that oil.

  We’re sitting in the playroom, and Aidan and Mick are playing while the wiener dogs are snuggled next to us on the couch, under their blankets. We’re having hard ciders, which I turned Claire onto a few years ago. She drinks them all the time.

  I do have to drive home, but one drink isn’t going to hurt and I’ll be here awhile. Claire actually cooked dinner, and now the house is quiet since Grandma went home to Grandpa, and Tatiana is not a live-in nanny. Baby Aurora is sleeping in her bassinet, next to the couch.

  “This is the most relaxed I’ve been in quite a while. That chicken was awesome, but I ate too much.” I rub my belly and wince.

  “Yeah, I can cook a couple of things.” She laughs and gently rocks the bassinet when Aurora fusses. “So what’s going on? You said things were crazy at the salon, and Eric was out of town?”

  I sigh and spill the whole story. I wasn’t going to tell anyone in our circle about sleeping with Max, but Claire is one of the few who has remained objective throughout this whole ordeal, and I need some advice.

  Shit, I just realized that I’m calling my new job and relationship ‘ordeals.’

  Claire’s eyes widen, and they’re almost are bulging as Diamond’s.

  “Wow. I didn’t see that coming, but I guess you two have a long history.” She smiles sadly and gestures towards Mick. “And you have a child together. That’s a bond that keeps lots of mismatched couples together.”

  Is Claire talking about me and Max? Or her and Brandon?

  “I’m so confused. I loved Max, and I probably still do love him, but it’s not a healthy love. I mean, how many times can we get back together? And this is the first time I’ve met a guy who has real potential after breaking up with Max. But I know you don’t like him.”

  “I don’t dislike him. Do you think you’re falling for him, or do you think he’s a transitional guy? He seems like a basically good person, but there also seem to be some red flags. He ran when there was kid trouble, and the story about the mouse…holy crap. I almost peed my pants when Brandon told me that one.”

  “You see, that’s the other problem. Our friend circle is so tight that nothing happens without everyone finding out. Eric is being judged and convicted before he even has a chance. You and Brandon have been great, but it’s still too close for comfort. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give up all of my friends just because Max and I broke up for good. It’s like a divorce.”

  “When Ron and I split up I didn’t really have this problem, because I didn’t like any of his friends, and I had my own circle of girlfriends. Even now, I love the band-related group, but I still have other friends who are separate from my life with Brandon.”

  Is she talking herself into divorce? It sounds like she’s carefully considered her safety net.

  “Eric has been out of town, and we’re giving each other some breathing room. And, of course, now I’m afraid he’s going to find out I slept with Max. I don’t know if I can trust him to keep quiet.”

  “Some time with just Mick, and your little furry menagerie, is what you need. You’ll probably miss him.”

  I was about to protest and say I don’t miss Max, and then I realize…she means Eric.

  I lean back in the chair, and absentmindedly pet a sleeping wiener dog, while Claire gets up to grab more snacks.

  Who do I actually miss?

  Probably my sanity.

  My stomach feels a little funny, but I always get super hungry and a little yucky feeling right before I get my…uh, oh…

  My period was due this week, wasn’t it? Or maybe it was weeks ago. I can’t remember at all now. I’m never very regular, but I’ve been so preoccupied, I haven’t been keeping track. And I can’t take the Pill because it causes high…

  I jump up and make an announcement, just as Claire comes back into the playroom with juice boxes and fruit snacks for the kids.

  “I have to go to the drug store right now.”

  “What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick? I might have what you need here.”

  I shake my head and grab my car keys. “Trust me, you don’t have what I need. I’ll be back in a few.”

  I kiss Mick and fly out the door.

  Infertile women don’t keep a supply of pregnancy tests on hand.

  Bianca

  “Maybe you should breathe into a bag.”

  Claire keeps trying to hold my hand and get me to sit down, but I have practically worn a hole in her carpet, circling the couch. The wiener dogs are following me, so I look like the Pied Piper.

  The pregnant Pied Piper!

  “I can’t believe I let this happen! And now I don’t even know who the father is.” I slump on the couch and scream.

  Claire jumps slightly, but bravely continues. “Not that it helps the overall problem, but can you trace back over the past month and try to figure out where your birth control might have failed?”

  “I’m not sure. With Eric, I have definitely used condoms, but the first night we weren’t as careful as we should have been…”

  “Okay, never mind the details. So he’s a possibility. But I can’t believe you would let Max get away with not using protection.”

  “I didn’t. He knew where to go in my dresser drawer, and he came out with a condom. Unless he grabbed the wrong ones, but I think I would have noticed if the condom had broken.”

  “You would think. What do you mean by ‘the wrong ones?’ Were they expired?”

  “Well, I think some of the older ones probably a
re, now that I think of it. I have a mixed stash because Max uses magnum—”

  “Wow, he does?” Claire raises her eyebrows in such a way that indicates that Brandon is a regular-sized man.

  “Yeah, he always has. Well, since Mick was conceived. That’s when we decided to upgrade…after the…failure. And now that I think of it, I was the one who provided the condoms with Eric the first time, and several other times.”

  “So you think you used old condoms with both of them, and there is the added issue of Max’s…size? He could have grabbed the wrong one in haste.”

  “That’s all I can think of. The regular-sized ones are obviously at least nine months older than Mick, so like two years or more.”

  “But you still would know if one broke. But maybe not if you were really caught up in other emotions and…oh my God, what are you going to do now?”

  “I don’t know. But one thing is for sure—if I come clean with this debacle I won’t have to worry about picking the right guy. I will be a true single mother this time around.”

  Claire excuses herself to answer the phone, and I use this as an opportunity to snuggle with the little people and pups.

  My mother did it without a man, and I have an amazing support system.

  I kiss Mick’s head and close my eyes for a moment, as he and Aidan are engrossed in yet another viewing of The Lion King.

  I’ve got my own problems with the circle of life.

  Brandon

  It’s weird sleeping on this bus, but the guys from Vengeance spared no luxury. I could get used to this.

  The show was phenomenal last night. Axl was impressive—I grabbed Zoe and kissed her after the show to thank her for finding him. Not on the lips, of course. Axl would have been pissed and Zoe is like my little sister—never mind what Claire would do to me.

  I hope she’ll come on the next trip.

  The guys in Vengeance were already talking about us joining them later in the year on another leg of the tour, for more shows this time.

  The regular opening band is contractually obligated to do a bunch more shows, but since they aren’t impressing anyone with backing out this weekend, their contract isn’t likely to be renewed.

  Chain is on its way to the big time.

  I roll over and climb out of my sleeping berth.

  Diamond and Rob are at the breakfast table, chowing down on pancakes. It’s a good thing she’s here because he was getting out of control with the drinking last night—before the show. After is fine because he doesn’t get hungover.

  Zoe and Axl are still sleeping, so I won’t bug them. It’s not easy getting any privacy in these close quarters. For a tour bus, this thing is the bomb, but it’s still only as wide as what will fit on a highway.

  Max is probably awake. I’m so keyed up about the show, and I need to talk to someone about it. If I call Claire she might bring me down, since she’s not entirely on board with this whole touring thing. She seemed preoccupied when I talked to her last night.

  Max and I started this band, and I could tell he was just as psyched as I was after last night.

  He did disappear kind of early, but I also know he’s feeling bad about Bianca. He told me that he slept with her. I wish those two would either get married or go their separate ways for good.

  He figured out the pretty redhead from the bounce house wasn’t for him, and he didn’t jump into anything there. I was proud of him for that. And he did come clean about pretending that they were an item.

  “Hey, Buddy. You up?”

  I wrap on the side of Max’s sleeping berth and listen for signs of life. What the hell is that noise? He must be listening to videos on his phone or something. I do that sometimes when I first wake up. It can suck you in for hours.

  Hmm…maybe he fell asleep again. I pull back the curtain and…oh, shit.

  I guess I don’t need to feel sorry for him anymore.

  And Jeez, that woman is bigger than Tatiana. How the hell are they able to do that…in such a cramped space?

  I close the curtain and walk away. I don’t even think they noticed me.

  I guess this would be a good time to call my wife. I can’t think of anyone else to share last night’s news with, and now she’ll be more receptive to my stories since I have dirt to share. I’m sure she’s bored as hell at home with the kids, with everyone away.

  Max

  “Are you alright, man? I shouldn’t have told you, but it came out when you said that you already feel like you made a mistake last night. Claire got me all wound up.”

  Brandon is freaking out, and acting more like his wife than his cool self.

  After catching me and Jasmine in the act, he disappeared for a while. I wasn’t too worried about it, because after all I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

  Jasmine was good, but it hasn’t made me forget how I feel about Bianca.

  I didn’t count on Brandon running to Claire with the news, but Birdie and I used to tell each other everything, even if it was our friends’ business.

  What I really didn’t count on was Bianca being at Claire’s place last night.

  And being pregnant.

  “Max, hello! Are you in there?”

  “I don’t know what to say. I hooked up with Jasmine because I was bored, and it seemed like the thing to do. Bianca doesn’t want me anymore. She’s got Eric now.”

  “But obviously she doesn’t know which one of you is the father. That’s got to be eating away at her.”

  “I’m sure it is, but it’s not my problem. If she asks, I’ll take a test. But only if he does, too. As you know, he’s not great with kids, and I strongly doubt he’ll be excited about impregnating a woman he’s known for a month.”

  Brandon sits down at the small table at the back of the bus. Luckily everyone else decided they needed to do some kind of sightseeing. The Liberty Bell or some boring shit like that.

  “Do you think it’s yours?”

  I rub my eyes and sit down across from him. “It’s possible. Depends how far along she is. I couldn’t really see in her dresser drawer when I was on the condom hunt, and I was rushing. Afterwards, I noticed that I picked the old, regular-sized ones. It could have sprang a leak. Hell, maybe she was pregnant when we split up. It wasn’t that long ago.”

  “You use Magnum condoms? Wow. So you think that would do it?”

  “It’s possible. I think those tests pick it up as soon as the damn swimmer gets inside. And it’s how she got pregnant with Mick. She should have thrown those old condoms out, but she’s the responsible one.”

  I roll my eyes at her responsibility and stand up.

  “There’s no use in crying about it now. We have another show tonight, and we need to be at our best. All of us.”

  “Thanks, man. I appreciate you handling this so well. And Claire is with Bianca. I’m sure she’ll tell her mother and…”

  “Don’t be so sure she’s going to tell Prince Charming. At least not right now. As for me, I’m going to do the sensible thing when we get back into town tomorrow.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Go see Ma and Pop. They’ll have some words of wisdom.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

  Max

  “I’ve been waiting for you to come and see us. Rob told us what happened and I’ve been worried sick.”

  My mother brings me a plate of cookies. And milk. I’m dead serious.

  “Rob told you that I slept with Bianca, and she dumped me again? And that she’s pregnant?”

  I love my family, but what the fuck?

  Pop says, “Yeah, he told us. He’s worried about you, like a big pansy. But he brought that Diamond with him, so truthfully I didn’t hear a damn word he said. What a looker she is. I doubt she’s gonna stick around long with your bone-headed brother.”

  “When did they have time to come over here? I only told Rob last night?”

  “First thing this morning. Well, as soon as you guys got back to town. They said the shows were amazin
g. We’re so proud of you.” Mom is beaming.

  “You better make sure your business is covered while you’re off banging on the drums like a teenager. Remember, you have responsibilities.

  “Oh, he knows that, Al.”

  Ma purses her lips at Pop’s rant as he steals a cookie off my plate. She makes a motion to smack him, but Janine Buczkowski isn’t even assertive enough to playfully tap her husband’s hand.

  “And you shouldn’t say that about Rob and Diamond. Our boys are very good to their women. Just like their father.”

  I cough on a rogue cookie crumb, but I think it’s more the conversation causing me to choke. If we treated women like Pop, we would end up with…I guess someone like Ma, but they don’t make women like her anymore.

  He’s not that bad, but he’s not that good, either.

  “I agree with you about Max here. He’s treated that flaming-haired temptress like gold. She’s lucky she had a kid with you, son. And if the stars are on her side, this kid will be yours, too.”

  He sits down on the couch with a beer and the remote control, to signify the end of his contribution to the crisis.

  Thanks, Pop. What the hell wisdom was I expecting?

  Ma sits down next to me. “Don’t listen to him. Honey, you’re a good father and I know you love Bianca. But I’m afraid she’s going to have to work this out. She hasn’t even told you herself. I would wait and see if she comes to you.”

  “But what if it’s mine and she has an—”

  “She won’t do that. You know it.” She glances at the uneaten cookies and the milk. “What am I doing? You’re a grown man. Do you want one of your father’s beers?”

  “Now she’s figured it out. Praise the Lord.” More sterling words from Pop. I need to come for Sunday dinners more regularly so I remember what it’s really like over here.

  “Yes, Ma. A beer would be good, but I’ll take the cookies home for later.”

  She pats my head like I’m Mick’s size, and offers a weak smile.

  “You’re probably right.” I open the beer and take a good, long swig. “She won’t have an abortion. And if I go running to her before she’s ready to talk about this, I’ll scare her away even more.”