Accidental Makeovers Read online

  “Mom, you’re right. Stop. I’m not mad—I just wish I didn’t have to worry about dealing with Max. Not today. It’s stressful enough with Grandma Valerie coming and starting my new job tomorrow.”

  I smirk and say, “Yes, and I’m sure last night was very stressful.”

  “Mom, I don’t care if you’re young enough to be my big sister or young aunt, I am not discussing my sex life with you. And shh…Eric will hear.”

  “Honey, you’re the one yelling, and he can’t hear me. Now just relax. I’ll call you after Max drops Mick off, and I won’t tell him anything. It’s none of his business.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” Her voice drops to a whisper. “And yes, last night was amazing, but it’s still stressful. I’m not sure if this was a good idea. I wish Raven would call again so I could run it by her. I don’t want to hide anything.”

  “Honey, I’m sure it will be fine. Enjoy yourself. You’re only young once. Listen, I have to go. The quiches are in the oven and I don’t want them to burn.”

  We hang up and I take a deep breath. I do hope she knows what she’s doing. It’s all happening at lighting speed. I glance at the clock on the microwave. Thanks goodness my mother isn’t due for a couple of hours.

  Holy crap, the doorbell?

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Max

  “Excuse me! Yoo hoo, gentlemen!”

  I look up from duck feeding supervision to see an old lady walking toward us, holding her hat on her head. It’s one of those big straw jobs that old ladies often wear. Not my mother, though. It’s such a frou-frou look, but I should expect nothing less. We got lazy and stopped in a nearby fancy neighborhood by a big lake, instead of driving all the way to the park. All ducks like to eat, and the kids don’t know the difference. So what is up this old broad’s ass?

  Rob holds onto the kids before they’re swimming with the ducks. Imagine if we had to explain soaking wet clothes to the women who are already skeptical about our child minding skills?

  “You can’t feed these ducks. And do you live in this neighborhood?” As she comes closer her nose is turning up higher as she inspects Rob and me for signs of suspicious activity. Like feeding ducks with toddlers.

  I stand up taller and say, “And why can’t we feed the ducks?”

  You would think she would back down, but no. Now her nose is so far up in the air I can almost see inside her brain. She could inhale a whole duck with those flaring nostrils.

  “Young man, there is a strict rule against feeding the wildlife in this neighborhood. People food is bad for their digestion.”

  Rob is holding back his laughter and the kids are still happily throwing little pieces of bread in the water.

  “Are the ducks allergic? Rob, did you hear that? We should have stopped to get some gluten-free bread on the way.”

  What does this woman think she is going to do to stop us? And seriously, can’t she just go away? I’m having a shitty enough week—I don’t need grandma bustin’ my balls over some stupid…

  “I am going to call the police. Surely you don’t live in this neighborhood.”

  Now my blood is boiling. “And why do you think that?” I glance over at Rob, who has at least half of his tattoos visibly displayed. What an intolerant old…

  “Well, you said that you should have picked up gluten-free bread on the way over here. There aren’t any stores in the neighborhood. And really, you don’t know anything about wildlife. It isn’t the gluten, it’s people food in general. I’m sure you feed your dogs and cats Cocoa Puffs and beer!”

  Now her eyeballs are bulging in their saggy sockets, and I’ve had about enough.

  “Fine, we don’t need to feed the fucking ducks. We’ll take our kids elsewhere, you old—”

  “Okay, man. That’s enough.” Rob grabs me, as if he thinks I’m going to pop an old lady. Or any woman.

  I am sick of being judged. I don’t know why Rob never stands up for himself in these situations. And he’s supposed to be the big brother.

  I back off and she purses her decrepit lips. “Well, I have never heard any decent people use that kind of language in front of little children.”

  “No, I’m sure your people have silver tongues and silver—”

  “Max, enough!” Rob turns to the old hag and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry for my brother’s behavior. His girlfriend just broke up with him and he’s having a hard time.”

  She smirks. “His girlfriend, huh? I should have known people like you would have children out of wedlock.”

  Rob widens his eyes at me and I swallow my next comment. He’s right. I can’t punch an old lady, and obviously I wouldn’t want to, but man, is she pushing my buttons.

  And we have to get Mick back for Val’s visit. I promised Sharon.

  “We’re leaving. Have a great day, Ma’am.” I refrain from any hand gestures that will get me in any more trouble. Getting arrested for trespassing and harassing a senior citizen, with the kids in tow, would not be a positive addition to my already fucked up life.

  We grab the kids and our offensive bread, as if it was crack, and head back to the truck.

  Mick is a little whiny, but I blow raspberries on his stomach and he seems to forget all about it. I wish someone could blow me and make me forget…hmm…

  As we buckle the kids into their car seats, I remind myself that I have a date, but with a nice woman. I won’t take advantage of a single mother. That would be hypocritical, since that’s what that asshole is doing right now with Bianca.

  Rob takes the keys and gets in the driver’s seat. I guess he thinks I’m too pissed off to drive.

  “Well, that was fun.” He is being sarcastic but the kids apparently think it was awesome.

  “Yeah, Rob? Well I think it was bullshit.”

  “Yeah, Wob. Boo sit. Ducking fucks!” Ruby yells at the top of her lungs, and I hold my head in shame tinged with amusement.

  Rob busts out laughing, and of course Mick laughs at absolutely anything. Phoebe poops in the yard and he’s in hysterics. He has no idea what’s funny, but just that this older girl is the center of everyone’s attention, so she must have said something epic. My son has so much to learn.

  “Ya know, I don’t know what you’re laughing at. Diamond is going to be pissed if she hears that. She’ll be saying this shit in pre-school.”

  Rob narrows his eyes. “Seriously, bro? It was funny, but you’re right. Let’s try to ignore it now.”

  “Boo sit! Boo sit!”

  Oh my God. Now she’s got Mick trying to say it.

  Rob pulls out of the parking area onto the main road, away from the scene of the crime and says, “It sounds like a ghost telling someone to sit. That’s funny stuff right there.”

  Rob turns around to make eye contact with Ruby, who eats up the attention. He doesn’t understand that it’s not a good idea to encourage children to misbehave. Although, who am I to talk? They’re imitating me.

  Rob contains his laughter and says, “You know, Diamond won’t be as pissed as Bianca and Sharon. She’s crazy about me, but you’re on everyone’s sh…poop list.”

  “Poop list? This is how we have to talk now? Unbelievable.” I shake my head and laugh. “Maybe we should come up with alternate words for cursing. We’re not going to be able to stop altogether.”

  “Oh, fudge, you’re right.”

  Rob and I are both dying laughing, and the kids are still kicking their feet and whooping it up. We didn’t have to take them anywhere to entertain them. All we have to do is laugh and they laugh.

  That’s kind of sobering. We do have a big influence on them. And Rob is right. If Bianca or Sharon hear ‘boo sit,’ they are going to have my ass. Sitting will be scary for sure.

  Sharon

  “Mom, I’m sure she’ll be here soon. Don’t worry.”

  “I can’t wait to show her the big surprise for Mick. She’ll be thrilled. I can’t believe no one is here. So when is Max due to bring the baby back? Honestly, Sharon you should�
��ve planned better.”

  I grit my teeth and refrain from reminding her that she and her boyfriend are TWO FUCKING HOURS early. Holy crap, my left eye is twitching.

  “Why don’t you both sit down and have some tea. Arthur, would you like some? How about a scone?”

  Arthur is sitting in the chair near the picture window, playing Candy Crush on his phone. I didn’t think people in their sixties played those games, but I guess they have time to kill.

  “Arthur, stop killing those stupid cupcakes for a second and answer Sharon.”

  He sighs and looks up. “Yes, that would be great. Thanks.” He addresses my mother and says, “Val, we really need to bring the surprise inside. It’s stinking up my Jag.”

  What the hell kind of surprise stinks? And better yet, why would I want said surprise stinking up my house? Can’t they just bring normal things, like toys or stuffed animals? Hey, she did say something about…uh, oh…

  “Mom, is this surprise, by any chance, a living thing?” I raise one eyebrow while praying it’s just a smelly cheese or something. But even my mother wouldn’t bring a baby cheese for Easter. Chocolate, Mother. Eggs. What planet is this woman from?

  She laughs and gestures to Arthur. Why don’t you go get it then, dear? It will still be a surprise when Mick arrives.”

  He lays his iPhone on the coffee table and walks to the door, jingling his keys. “All I’m gonna say is that I had nothing to do with this.”

  Mom shakes her head and frowns. “He’s such a spoil sport. So let’s go grab that tea. What kind of scones did you make?”

  As she drags me into the kitchen, I study her face. At sixty-five she has very few wrinkles. Her hair is still blond, but who knows her natural color. I’m sure it’s grey by now. I already have to hide grey hairs, but of course with Valerie for a mother and Bianca for a daughter…

  Wait until Bianca sees Grandma’s makeup job. Blue frosted eyeliner and the inside of her eyes are lined with black kohl, like we used to do in the eighties. It’s a bit harsh on a woman her age, but I guess if I look as good as she does in twenty plus years, I will be happy.

  As I reach for the tray to load up the freshly baked apricot and plum scones, I hear a little voice. And two deep voices. Here we go. Round one.

  Mom claps her hands. “It sounds like the gang’s all here.” She leaves me with the tray and runs off. The water is on for the tea. Screw it, I need to check out the big surprise and decide whether or not I need to leave town.

  As I follow Mom back into the living room, I sure hope the whole gang isn’t here. But I know Bianca isn’t going to come home until I tell her Max has come and gone.

  But she isn’t counting on my mother being here this early, either. I don’t see how I am going to keep up the lie I told when Bianca comes waltzing in here in the clothes she wore last night. She wouldn’t go to the gym in a silk dress and heels. Plus she doesn’t belong to a gym, but it was all I could think of quickly. I wasted the feeble deli excuse on Max.

  In the living room, I survey the scene, blinking my eyes hard several times, hoping the furry thing I see isn’t moving. No, it is. And not mechanically.

  “Phoebe, come.” My dog is frantically barking and sniffing the BUNNY my mother brought to MY house, without my KNOWLEDGE or PERMISSION. Yes, I’m feeling shouty.

  Max is looking down at it with a goofy grin on his face, and Arthur is explaining to him why they got a girl bunny.

  “So the guy at the store told me that if you get a boy bunny, you need to provide them with stuffed animals to hump. Isn’t that hilarious? That saying about doin’ it like bunnies is true. Who knew?”

  He smacks Max’s arm, and he catches my eye. Sure, he thinks it’s funny. He doesn’t have to live here and deal with this, and it’s one more thing Bianca will be annoyed with.

  “Well, of course we thought that was gauche, so we went with a sweet girl bunny. It seems males of every species like to—”

  Max’s expression darkens a hair, and he says, “Why are you looking at me, Valerie? I’m not the one—”

  “Max, why don’t you help Mick with the bunny? I’ll put Phoebe in the other room.”

  He reluctantly bends down to show his son how to gently handle the frightened creature. I am completely against this gift. Rabbits don’t want to be pets. And my mother knows I have a dog.

  It’s a cute little thing, though.

  As if reading my mind, my mother says, “I know you’re not crazy about this, but I couldn’t resist. And look, we got you a guidebook for bunny care, and all the starter food, treats, and toys, and Arthur ordered a wooden crate for her to live in. It should be delivered tomorrow. You can put it together, right Max? I mean I’m sure Bianca won’t mind you coming over to do something for your child. And really, I am so sorry about you two. Maybe she’ll come to her senses and—”

  “It’s alright, Val.” Max stands up and says to Mick, “Listen little buddy, Daddy’s gonna head out. You be good and do nice with the bunny, okay?”

  “Bun, bun!” His excitement tells me that I shouldn’t even bother trying to figure out how to get rid of this gift. Bun-Bun. That’s her name now. And anyway, how the hell do you re-home a bunny?

  Max hugs his son and stands up, shaking Arthur’s hand and giving Mom a hug. I feel a twinge of sorrow that he can’t stay and spend the day with us, but it’s not my business. Just because he’s a good dad and a nice guy doesn’t mean he was good for Bianca. I have to respect her wishes.

  “Bye, Max. Thanks for taking Mick to the park. I guess you and Bianca will figure out when you’ll have him next. I’m sure she’ll be home soon.”

  He turns the doorknob and says, “Yeah, I hope you all enjoy your deli meats.”

  He leaves with a self-satisfied smirk, and I take back what I just said. And he calls us women ‘ball busters?’

  Mom looks perplexed and says, “I thought you made quiches? Is she stopping at the deli on the way home from the gym?”

  Bianca

  The coast is clear. Mom called to tell me that Max has dropped Mick off, and he’s gone now. Unfortunately, Grandma Valerie and Arthur are early.

  I can’t sneak in the back of the house and get upstairs, so I guess they will be privy to my walk of shame. Apparently my mother told them I was at the gym. I don’t know why she feels the need to lie to her mother. Val is not exactly a virtuous woman. She’s had her share of morning afters. I could say that I stayed at a girlfriend’s house last night, and Mom thought I was going to stop at the gym. I don’t even belong to a gym.

  I blame Max for all of this. If we didn’t live with my mother, I could go home first to my OWN home to change, and everyone in the world wouldn’t know my business.

  I pull onto our street, and see Arthur’s Jaguar parked in front of the house. The neighbors are probably thinking we’ve moved up in the world, now that Max, his work van and motorcycles are gone, and we have more upscale visitors.

  Of course now they are going to see a mascara streaked, wrinkled mess scurrying into the house in the middle of the afternoon. At least I don’t have ripped stockings or broken shoes. I just slept with my boss, I didn’t get sloppy drunk or do meth behind a dumpster. I have some standards.

  Good thing Mick is still a baby. If he was old enough to ask questions, I couldn’t possibly do something like this. I shouldn’t have done it to my mother anyway.

  Hopefully, in a few years I’ll be settled down with one man, and I won’t have these problems.

  Eric was amazing last night, and this morning. And this morning again.

  I duck out of the car, as if staying low to the ground will prevent anyone from seeing me. I catch a glimpse of myself in the car window, and I look like a hunchback coming home from a booty call.

  Standing up straighter, I smoothe my skirt and march to the front door.

  As soon as I turn the knob I hear, “Well, it’s kind of funny, actually. She didn’t go to the gym after all. I think she stayed the night with one of her fri
ends. You know how these young women are? It’s much smarter to do that than to drink and drive. Oh, here she is now.”

  My mother looks winded from her speech, and relieved that she can pass the lying torch off to me now.

  Moving out on my own needs to be a top priority. I’m sure she’ll still want to babysit sometimes, but I am beginning to see my own culpability in this dysfunction.

  “Hi, everyone.”

  I quickly move from Grandma Valerie to Arthur, giving them quick hugs. I was going to shower, but since I had no makeup or hair care products with me, I opted for the disheveled look. Thank God Eric at least had a spare toothbrush.

  Come to think of it, he had a whole drawer full of spare toothbrushes. Hmm…how many unexpected overnight guests does he have?

  If I make some quick small talk, I can excuse myself to go shower. Why the hell are they here so early?

  “Mama, Bun-Bun!”

  Holy hell. That’s an actual bunny. I don’t see Phoebe, so I suppose she’s been banned from the room. I glance at my mother, and she licks her lips and sighs.

  Good old Val. Happy Easter to you, too.

  “That’s a bunny.”

  “How observant, Bianca.” Grandma laughs and looks around the room for others to join in. Arthur is sitting by the window doing something on his phone, and my mother is wringing her hands and smiling like a mental patient.

  “I don’t know if that’s the best gift for a baby. I don’t even know how to take care of a bunny. And aren’t they really shy? And what are we going to do about Phoebe?” My head hurts.

  “Don’t be silly. It’s all here in the instruction manual…”

  I’m not really paying attention as she babbles on about all of the bunny preparedness work she’s done. I guess we’re stuck with it now. It is adorable and so soft! Its fur is a mixture of white and a light champagne color.

  “And tell her why we got a girl bunny, Arthur. Arthur? Oh forget it, he’s throwing things at those stupid birds in that silly game. Anyway, I guess you had a late night, Bianca. Your mother actually thought I would buy the ‘going to the gym’ excuse. You girls are so silly. It’s not like I’ve never been in your shoes.”